Getting a coffee should be easy…

It’s natural to cry, they say, when you’re pregnant and after the baby is born. They say it’s hormones, they said it could be postnatal depression but whatever it is she had run out of hankies. Yes hankies, other girls her age would carry round a mini pack of tissues but Carla had been given hankies for her birthday from her gran for as along as she could remember plus it was always softer on her face.

She looked at her twins, both sleeping. She sat holding her coffee in the busy coffee shop on the high street, the occasional person stopping to say ‘how adorable’, ‘look how cute they are’ or even ‘how lucky to have twins, getting them over and done with’. She did feel lucky, lucky that she still had hair because she was sure if she didn’t have the support from her husband, two sisters and parents she would be bald from the yanking at her hair at night when both boys were screaming.


She had insisted that she do this alone, Matt worked long hours in London and it wasn’t fair to expect him to also do night feeds in the week when he was working. This last week had just started to get a bit better, the boys were now in their separate rooms which actually made it easier because when one cried it wouldn’t set the other one off.

Peter opened one eye and saw his mother, Carla gasped and held of breath putting her cup down hovering her hand over the nappy bag ready for action to pull the milk out ready to feed him before he woke his brother. She sighed relief when his eye slowly closed, relief that maybe she would get to drink a hot drink actually hot rather than room temperature or yes, sometimes cold.

Duncan then opened his eyes and looked at Carla and smiled, she smiled back holding her cup. More relaxed because Duncan would just turn his lips down as a warning before he cried so she knew to grasp him straight away, he starting making gargling noises and playing with the coloured rings on the pushchair. She knew she shouldn’t but she did slightly favour Duncan because he was more laid back like his father. Peter was more like herself and was quite demanding, and she hated admitting it.

She had met Matt fifteen years ago this summer and it was the cliche love at first sight, he was dressed in top to toe in stockings, suspenders and a leather mini dress.  His thick long hairy legs looked rediculous in the tights but she knew it was a fancy dress and his smile and that fact that he was in this outfit showed the sense of humour that she loved.

He couldn’t stop starring at her the whole evening, but he was warned that she had just come out of a relationship and was vulnerable so he stayed away, but then she was the one that made the move which he couldn’t turn down.  She had been wearing a vicars gown (which had been purposely shortened by her friend Donna), she had turned up at her house with the long gown and black pumps and the girls had soon got to work shortening the gown and finding her some high heels to wear with it.

“Carla there are going to be single men at this party tonight and you’ll practically have the pick of them all.”  Donna had said, pulling her friends hair out of the tight ponytail and letting it cascade around her shoulders.  Carla stood there letting her friends take over, Donna was putting her make up on and Susan was putting different shoes on her feet which were hurting already.

“Do I even get a choice in the matter?”  The all shook their heads in response.

That was then, she had had too much to drink so after the 4th beer didn’t care who she had spoken to let alone cornering Matt at the back door and snogging him.  They’d swapped numbers but the next day she’d had no recollection of this then when he’d sent her a text message asking to meet for a drink that next evening, she was going to tell him it was a mistake that she shouldn’t be doing this as she’d only just split up with her Darren but when she got there and realised how gorgeous he was she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.  He had been the one that had said it was love at first sight, but she took her time but when she fell for him she really did fall for him.

They had to have IVF to have the boys after discovering that she had a condition that weakened her chances of having children naturally and not only that being in her late thirties old didn’t exactly work in her favour.  When Peter and Duncan were born they were spoilt from that moment, and it took Carla a long time to leave them with anyone else.  The boys were like chalk and cheese personality wise, but they were so identical even Carla’s mother had mistaken them.

“You’ll have to start dressing them differently.”  Her mother had said, but Carla had no intention on doing that.  Although sometimes she would put different coloured socks or shoes on them so that others would get their names right.

She smiled to herself as she drained her coffee, happy that she was able to have a hot drink and started to prepare their milk.

Music To Be Told.

As I looked out of the window trying to think of what to do and where to start first I saw a flash of light, fireworks were going off to celebrate the new year.  I was unaware of what was happening at first, thought I was just dreaming like everyone else.  It started when I was 13, it was the night before Christmas.  The dream felt so real, like I was there.  I remember waking afterwards and wondering if it actually happened or whether it was just a really vivid dream, I was just a child then or at least I felt like a child.christmas tree Continue reading “Music To Be Told.”